Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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