mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
