i love accidental penises.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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