so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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