youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
