my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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