Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
