I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
