last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
