you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
