Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
