He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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