hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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