why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
