at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
