I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize