I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
