I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
