I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
