don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
