He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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