It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize