Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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