I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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