He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Even my vagina gasped.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
