Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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