We're like a lot better than the average bears
I met the friendliest cop last night
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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