Nicole vs. Life
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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