Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
