saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
