The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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