why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
