sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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