Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
