He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
