He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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