I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
