mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
false alarm. still invincible.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize