A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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