just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
