this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
