i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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