its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
