Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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