You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
