Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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