saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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