thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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