apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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