I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
