I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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