I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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