you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i now understand why vodka
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
