Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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