wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
